I’m not the kind of person who rearranges furniture very often.
Somewhere up near the surface of my consciousness is a raw emotion, and I’m bumping into, or being bumped into it enough to get my attention.
It has to do with belonging. It has to do with being rejected. It has to do with being the last person chosen for the team. It has to do with the rules changing. It has to do with someone changing the secret handshake, and finding myself outside the group. Or it has to do with my fear of these things, and my thinking I’m breaking the rules, whether or not I have, and/or maybe the way I test the rules.
Whose rules are these anyhow?
Having decided that relationships are important, in general, and to me specifically, and without dwelling on, but acknowledging lost relationships, I need to own up to be looking to be in relationship (a relationship?), that there is a gap, a hole, a void. There is a vulnerable and open place in my heart, in my life. I have relied on friends, I have made new friends. There is progress, and regression. On the whole, I’m doing well, trying to do good, and making my marks. Then, boom, I hit that sore spot, and all the abandonment issues of my childhood, all the rejections and judgments, all the body image and competency issues come at me. I recognize this reaction. I own it. I don’t like it particularly, who would? And what to do?
After the good cry, after the letting someone else in on how I’m feeling (or three or four people, until it’s clarified in my mind, or reduced to a working script), it’s time to do something. More often than not, it is refraining from doing something. “Doctor, it hurts when I do this” “So, stop doing that”. Leave something or someone alone. Stop taking an afternoon nap. Stop drinking the second cup of coffee, I could go on. Then I need to flip it. Change the negative into a positive. Drink more water. Go for a walk. Find someone else to talk to. Operative word, change. Be your own best parent, be your own best friend.
Desensitize the spot. By seeing it coming? By diffusing it? By armoring it? Anthropomorphizing it? Expelling it? Just change the behavior and let the understanding come later.
The Art of the Day is: change
posted by the other Joan @ 11:31 AM
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