Tomorrow, that is starting tonight, is the anniversary of my mother's death. Yartzeit in Hebrew. I guess this is as good a time as any to talk about how after 5766 years of laws and customs, there is something very right about Jewish rituals around death and mourning.
The custom begins with a ritual bathing, and vigil done by members of the community, and not the immediate family. You get to reciprocate by doing it for someone else after someone has done it for you. Then there is a quick burial, sensible in a hot climate like the Middle East, followed by a seven day period of intense mourning (Shiva) where as immediate family you are not expected to do anything normal, like working, cooking, paying attention to your appearance.
People are supposed to come to you and support you. During the next month, you may do whatever is necessary, but you don't have to. You can refrain from joy. This is true for the next year. You don't have to accept invitations. Now this is my own middle of the road interpretation, some people would say you can't do this or that, some people would say you can do things sooner. Still, there are rules and customs to follow. A game plan, a map, for when the world as you know it shifts under your feet.
Specifically about my mom: All in all, I think she had a happy life. I know there were times when I tried her patience, and she tried mine, but by the end of her life we were getting along pretty well. We had fewer things to disagree about, so we argued less. I was able to spend a lot of time with her, the last six months of her life, and that was good. I was able to be there for her the way she had been there for her mother, and she deserved that. Hers is one of the stronger voices I carry around in my head. That's fine too.
posted by the other Joan @ 9:38 AM
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