I have had a deepening understanding of why something (I am being intentionally vague) is so important to me. I'll try to put it into words. I may or may not succeed.
I want to be happy. I want to be over with mourning. I miss my best friend.
Sometimes I miss him, and sometimes I miss the idea of him. I don’t expect to replace him, but I want to fill the void. This causes me some anxiety, because I don’t want to appear or feel disloyal. This has something to do with reorganizing my home after painting. Part of me is happy to be organizing things and removing years of clutter. Another part of me realizes that this is another step in cleaning out his stuff. Good. Remind myself it is only stuff. Remember not to forget.
I am and will always be really grateful to someone who showed me that I have the capacity to re-engage; to put it dramatically, to love again. But it is not reciprocal, and that has become OK. To learn that you can have a crush at my age, and to learn that you can get over a crush is a good thing to know. And if I used him to get from there to here, I hope I used him well. But if I used him as a surrogate best friend, what do I do about that? That is not reciprocal either. Reciprocal is not exactly the word, because there is a friendship there. It’s out of whack, out of balance, not equivalent? Not symetrical. I am not his best friend. I am more reliant on him than the other way around, and while I need to pull back, to find another solution, I’m not there yet, and in the meantime I don’t want to lose the friendship, just re-establish it. It’s all about relationships.
In the meantime all I have to do is remember to breathe, especially when you are diving.
posted by the other Joan @ 8:18 AM
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