This has been a month of transitions. Without “changing jobs” I’ve changed employers, and it has not brought out the best in me.
I am skeptical about what people say they will do.
I am worried that I will be judged.
I am concerned that I am making enough/too much noise.
I am marshalling my resources.
I am trying to make a good impression.
I am doubting my own proficiency.
It takes a lot of energy, energy that I had reserved for other projects.
So I’m mildly miffed, but wary of being miffed because I want to be a team player.
It’s like wearing a girdle. You know you look better with it on, it’s appropriate to wear it under this kind of dress, but you are looking forward to getting home and taking it off.
I am ripe for conspiracy theorists. I immediately think the worst of people’s actions (like, I’m going to be screwed, like I’m going to be indebted). It seems very old and familiar, like some caution my father would say, like seeing prejudice where none was intended.
I thought that I had worked through that. I thought I was no longer depressed, no longer interested in awfulizing.
The good news is I’m uncomfortable sooner. The good news is I don’t want to stay in this mood, in this mindset.
I want to believe that “Despite everything,…. people are really good at heart."
Anne Frank
That people honor their promises, that I will not be left out.
I am experiencing less insecurity, the turmoil has calmed down somewhat, but I’m still amazed at how ingrained old behaviors can be, how my mind has elastic memory. It springs back into its original shape. Like a good underwire bra. I don’t know where these analogies come from.
posted by the other Joan @ 4:12 PM
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