Recently, a friend described me as “A Costume Designer / Bar Exam Trainer”, which is true, as far as it goes, but not the way I want to be described.
I was a costume designer. I was “in theatre”, and I still refer to things as a theatre person might. Example: I recently said I was not intimidated by celebrities, because I could guess their inseams. I spent a long time getting out of theatre, describing it as an amicable divorce. I wish it well, I just don’t want to live with it anymore.
I currently work as a Bar Exam Trainer. I promote, proctor and facilitate a course that prepares students who have finished law school prepare for the Bar. I fell into it. I’m reasonably good at it (nervous lawyers are less demanding than nervous actors), but it’s not how I define myself.
What do I want to be?
(Why is this question so hard and so important?)
A while ago I wanted to be a webmaster. It was up there with wanting to be a rock star.
They made magic.
I had friends who encouraged me and let me know it wasn’t an unattainable goal (note the double negative, that’s what I learn hanging out with lawyers). I took courses, I learned that some of it came easily to me, and some did not.
It was less magical and more logical.
Which is OK, but not as sexy.
What I want is to make magic.
In costuming the big payoff was making theatre magic. There were a lot of boring hems and alterations along the way, but every once in a while two and two equaled 5.
Facilitating a Bar course isn’t magic. I’m appreciated. It’s a damn good course, but it’s not my course. I do it so I can afford to do other things. It is a means to an end. It is a job, not a career or a calling.
OK. That’s important. That’s the self definition piece that I need to answer.
I seem pretty clear on what I am not, so I need to put a positive spin on it. I’ve lost some identities along the way, but I’m not so unique in that. It’s not like I haven’t had time to heal, or take the time I need.
I’ve spent some time convincing myself I was an artist. There are some people in the world who know me as an artist, and I’m pleased by that. I’m comfortable defining myself as a designer, because I believe that design is working within parameters, and I am comfortable with that. So I guess I’m balking at the costume part of costume designer. It’s been a while since I’ve done any costume designing, and although most of it comes back like remembering how to ride a bike, I’m out of practice, and I’d feel rusty.
It is especially uncomfortable to be called a costume designer in a group of new media artists, because costume design is so nineteenth century. It hasn’t changed radically since the invention of the sewing machine, and even before that is recognizable as clothing in the service of a production or specific event.
Maybe I would be more comfortable referred to as a Historian. Maybe anyone who reaches a certain age should be referred to as a Historian.
A collector of magic. A relic collector.
It’s in there. It’s a part of what I do. It’s part of what I bring to the table.
Or am I an educator? That’s there too.
Not for nothing there is a feminist edge here too. There is something about being a costume designer, or teacher that’s “safe”. They can be seen as traditionally female occupations. It chaffs. Just when I was beginning to be comfortable with another layer of my feminism, someone yanks at the corset strings, but that’s a story for another day.
The Art for the Day is: Being yourself, it's who you do best.
posted by the other Joan @ 8:52 AM
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